I don't often feel like I know enough to be included in the education team with Matrix. Logically, I am sure that I have learned all(many) of the things and do have a seat at the table. However, I find myself thinking that I don't have enough experience like I see my fellow educators seem to have. I really do feel like a beginner and that I have so much more to learn before I should be set loose on the world.
I feel like I deserve a spot at the table, but then I feel insecure as to my actual skillset. There are so many pieces and in this current technological environment, I feel lost. I am a competent hairdresser and colorist, but who am I to teach other people? I struggle with this, because I have done a lot to get here and, yet, I don't know that I have arrived. I know a lot of people go through this same thing, but it still is difficult to come to grips with. Along with my salon life and educator life, there is my education to also feel like a fraud with. I am going to school to get my doctorate in anthropology so I can be the leading authority on a very specific niche of hair history, and I am sure even after obtaining it, I will feel like someone will find me out and expose my ruse to the world.
I am not looking for pity or anything like that, I just wanted to be honest about how I am feeling in my career. Perhaps my insecurity stems from not having "enough" time to do all of things to a certain level of perfection. Even with that I don't want to give up any one part of my career just to have more time for another piece. This is the struggle, I suppose I will just have to wait to see what happens when I "grow up". One day I shall have all of the confidence, until then, I will keep pushing forward.
